Don't Speak
by DedicatedToTwilight
Summary: Summer is over, and Dan has to learn to live with the consequences of saying things he didn't mean.
1. Chapter 1

It was so depressing. He felt...alone. He was only now learning the true meaning of 'lonely boy'. And he wished he didn't have to know it.

His summer has been...unproductive. He didn't write. Georgina was expensive, and not helpful at all, and after writing the first sentence of the book he thought he should have written, he realised what a mistake that would have been. _Entering the world of the people living in the most coveted area on Earth was the biggest mistake of my life. _That wasn't true. He hated himself for typing those words, deleting them as soon as he read them over.

He has always considered himself as an honest person. Someone who does the right thing. And when he thought over that single sentence, he knew he couldn't write that book. He couldn't write a lie. _Something_ good came out of his implication in the world of the filthy rich, and that wasn't his recent relationship with Blair. It wasn't even his father's second marriage. The Upper East Side permitted him to live his dreams; infiltrating the top echelons allowed him to love her. Someone he could have never loved otherwise. Serena van der Woodsen. And that made him think about one single thing for days on end afterwards. When and why did he ever stop?

Only at the end of the heat and sunny afternoons, once his father moved back to Brooklyn and their bank accounts returned to a relative normal, _once everything was as it was long ago_, he realised he had spent the whole summer thinking about her. Any aspect of her.

_And so maybe you would have kissed me already. _

_Nobody's ever looked at me the way you just did. _

_Do you think it's cheesy? _

_You and I are forever. _

_This was never our problem. _

_We either sink or swim. _

_I love you, Dan Humphrey. Always have, always will. _

It was as if he remembered everything. Every breath and touch and kiss, every aspect of her that made her _her. _He was sad, and depressed, and tired of everything, but the memories from what seemed like the happiest time of his life kept him afloat.

He knew he should have been mourning the recent loss of a relationship. But he couldn't help being happy for Blair. And Chuck, to some extent. And that feeling, something he couldn't quite control, made him wish the second he kissed Blair all those months ago was eradicated. That it had never happened.

One night, while walking through Central Park, he stopped at a bench that no one would ever consider looking at twice. A bench that, to him, meant more than it should have. He sat on its edge, and his brain wondered. Where did it all go wrong? Why did he ever let her go? Why was he regretting it now?

As he stands in front of the same bench once again, yellowed leaves beside it and the smell of change in the air, he realises he still had no answer to those questions. A summer wasted, and he was certain of one single thing. Entering her world wasn't the biggest mistake of his life. The biggest mistake was exiting it.

-xoxo-

His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he glanced over caller ID. Blair. He contemplates not answering it, but when she calls again, there is an instinct that presses his thumb over the green button.

'Don't hang up. I need your help. Serena's missing.'

He's already calling a cab.


	2. Chapter 2

He pretends to listen to Blair as she delegates and organises, but there is a part of him that doesn't trust her judgement. He sneaks a look around her living room. She managed to gather everyone; Nate, Chuck, Dorota, Lily. Everyone that mattered, anyway. Serena would have appreciated it; that they still cared. Of course they did.

He is sent to Lily's penthouse on the Upper East Side, to check her old bedroom for 'clues' as to where she went before summer started. He remembers that day; 17th of May; he wishes he remembered it for different purposes.

_I never have to see you again. _He wishes he could go back and strangle himself as the words come out.

The apartment feels strange. Empty and suppressive; it reeks of Bart Bass' presence, although he is gone on a business trip to Malaysia. That man seemed as if he was omnipresent, and Dan ponders over the fact that maybe that's what power _really _is. The ability to have your presence felt even when you're not there. And Bart was a truly powerful man. Dan walks around the hallway. It doesn't feel like a place he belonged to anymore, and he realises it hasn't felt that way since_ we keep pretending like we can overcome anything._

He honestly thought they could.

Once the door to her bedroom is opened, there's a sense of the strongest nostalgia enveloping him.

_Have you always looked this good? You look so good to me. _

The memory puts a smile on his lips, a smile soon wiped at the realisation that it was entirely his fault things weren't the same at that moment. He had his chance, repeatedly, and the domineering part of him encouraged him to ignore all his opportunities. Maybe that was the naive part, the one thinking that when it came to Serena, he would always have another chance. How stupid. How naive. How he hated that part of him.

_I don't mean to take you for granted. _Neither did he.

He can't stay in that room for long. He skims over surfaces, looking for anything, and exits her bedroom. He looks around the living room, opening the drawers of Lily's desk. What good would that do?

He finds a piece of paper with a phone number. Underneath, A10 is written. There is something about the ink on the paper that draws him to it. He contemplates over losing his sanity as he pulls out his mobile and dials the number.

'Good afternoon, you have reached the reception of Hotel Bel Air, Los Angeles. Angelica speaking. How may I help you?'

A hotel. 'Room A10, please,' he blurts out, hoping the receptionist didn't hear the uncertainty in his voice.

'I'm sorry, but I have specific instructions to restrict communication to that room.'

He feels his eyebrows knit. 'Specific instructions from who?'

'Lilian van der Woodsen.' Dan sighs and rubs his temples.

'I'm her stepson. I'm sure she didn't interdict communication with family members.' He thought on his feet, and he was never good at that. He was prepared to give up, when the voice on the other line replies, 'I'm sure I can make an exception this time.'

He smiles gently. 'Thank you.' Triumph washes through his veins. His curiosity is too much. He _needs _to know who Lily is hiding in Los Angeles.

The line rings once. 'Hey, mom, what's going on?'

Shock stills him. He would always know that voice. Hers.

-xoxo-

'Mom, is everything okay?' she asks, her tone worried.

For a moment, he doesn't know what to say. His heart urges him to apologize, _beg _for forgiveness, but he's not sure he has a right to ask it. His words left little room for forgiveness.

He clears his throat. 'Serena...' he starts, and he hears her gasp softly. 'Why... what...' he stops, and closes his eyes, collapsing on the sofa.

'I should've known it wasn't my mom when the phone rang during broad daylight. I'm going to need to have a word with reception. Security and bribery is not what it used to be...' she utters, her words reminding him a bit of the way he used to ramble sometimes.

'Serena, everyone here is so worried about you. We're all looking for you... Blair is...going crazy.' His words are soft, and calming, and he allows himself to feel the slightest bit of relief when he can hear her breathe at the other end. Her mom is a better actress than he thought; he remembered her concerned face as Blair asked her to file a missing person's report at the police department. He can almost guarantee _that's _not going to happen.

'You can't tell anyone where I am, Dan. No one can know I'm here, okay?' Her voice shakes a bit at the end, and his heart skips a beat. He worries.

'Why? Are you in danger?' His voice rises at the end, and he tries to calm down, not wanting to scare her. He doesn't really want to consider that possibility.

'No, I'm not. I'm just... taking a break from my old life.' She sighs.

He doesn't believe a single word. He knows there's something more. He sits at the desk behind him and turns on the laptop.

There's a silence on her side of the line, and he smiles a little as he gets his words out.

'It's good to hear from you. You have no idea how worried I was when Blair said you were missing.'

She lets out a laugh. He can sense the sadness behind it. 'Really? You clearly stated otherwise the last time I saw you.'

He doesn't know where to start.

She starts for him. 'It doesn't matter, Dan, okay? It's better this way. I need to go now, and please don't contact me again.'

She sniffs gently in her receiver, and Dan's eyes close tightly until they're sore. 'I...can't apologize enough...'

'Goodbye, Dan.' The line goes dead.

He forcefully places his phone on the table, and turns back to the laptop.

It doesn't take long before he jumps in the first cab he can find outside her building.

'JFK Airport,' he instructs. 'As fast as you can, please, I have a flight out in half an hour.'

_**A/N:**__ I don't know... I hope you guys like this chapter. The next one will be...interesting (I hope :P). __**PLEASE REVIEW**__! Thanks for reading :) _


	3. Chapter 3

Standing in front of her door, he realises he has no idea what to do next. He contemplates waiting for her until she decides to exit her room, but he realises security could have him removed, as that would be considered 'stalking'. He wants to knock. But what would he say once he saw her? I'm sorry? Not enough. He wouldn't even forgive himself with that.

His fist taps against her door twice. Crap. He should have thought things through first, just as he should have thought twice before paying $500 for a flight across the country. A one-way flight.

The latch unlocks, and his heart stills. When her door opens, he feels like he's unconscious.

'Oh, my God,' she whispers, but to him, her voice sounds so much louder, echoing around him.

She attempts to smash the door in his face, and he's not quite sure how he manages to react so fast, but he stops her, his hand pushing it back open.

'Don't,' he mutters, and resumes just standing there, looking at her face. He remembers everything just by glancing over her eyes. The eyes that never lie, at least not to him. The eyes that he used to dream about. The same ones he still does sometimes. But when his gaze drops, and he observes her body in the process, his lungs fill up and he feels like he can't breathe. Like the walls are closing in on him, like the door is locking in his face. Like there is no way out.

He cannot look away from her waist, and especially from the small bump evident from between her hips. His eyes widen. He starts to slowly think. He realises she is...

_pregnant_. He cannot believe it, but he becomes more and more aware of it. He cannot believe it. He has always been an able student when it came to Math, so it doesn't take him long to put two and two together. Four. Four months since the Shepherd divorce party. Four months since they had sex. Four months along. He cannot believe it.

A soft noise distracts him, and his eyes shoot up. She's crying. And his first reaction is to pull her towards him. He is gentle, and careful, and it surprises him more than it should have when she pushes away from his embrace. Weakly.

'You were never supposed to know!' she shouts, and walks into her room, leaving her door open for him to follow. He does, and closes it behind him. Everything feels surreal, oversized, nothing is simple anymore. It takes him a while to comprehend.

He wants to clarify things. He doesn't know how to ask, and the fact that she's sobbing in her hands isn't helping, but he walks towards her and kneels by her feet. He doesn't touch her.

'Is it mine?' he asks, the stupidest question known to man. He knows the answer.

It takes her a while to compose herself before him. She dries her eyes harshly with the back of her hands, and stares at him. Deep and cold. Her eyes are red and puffy, but to Dan, she is still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

'You were never supposed to know. Why do you think I'm here, Dan? Everything was supposed to run so smoothly...' she looks away, shaking her head.

'Everything?' he asks, fiddling with his hands in his lap.

She laughs, a laugh similar to the one he heard on the phone. Sad, and broken, and too mature for his liking. Drowned by sorrows and hurt. He _hated_ that laugh.

'There is a family here that wants to adopt. They can't have children, and it seems I can... I sometimes think it's ironic.'

Again, he speaks without really thinking about it. 'Serena, is the baby mine?' he asks, his tone stronger this time around.

She looks at him, and he reads the answer in her eyes. 'I really want to say no. But I can't. That's why I left, why I came here. I didn't want you to know.'

He can't control his anger, his frustration. 'And you're going to give our child away? Without even speaking to me? It seems the saying 'like mother, like daughter' is not a complete exaggeration.'

She slaps him. Hard, and then flinches at the realisation, covering her mouth with her hand. It feels as if it's burning against her skin. Or maybe that was just the anger bubbling inside her.

'How dare you say that to me?' She doesn't care if she cries. She doesn't want to hold back anyway. 'How dare you come here, and be angry with me for not telling you about this, for giving it away, when you told me you wanted nothing to do with me anymore?'

With every word she speaks, his head drops further and further with shame and hatred for himself.

'What, did you think I would bring a child into the world that would never know their father? I know what _that_ feels like; it's the worst feeling possible, and I would never willingly do it to anyone! How could you, Dan, compare me to my mother, when you know, maybe better than anyone, how hard I try to be nothing like her?'

She stops for a moment to attempt to control her breath, and he takes it to hold her hands into his.

'Don't touch me!' she shouts, pulling her fingers away from his.

'I would have been here for my child. You know that. I would have been here for _you_. You know that too.'

'I don't anymore.'

'Serena, you don't have to give the baby up. We can work things out. We can raise him, or her, together. I want to get the chance to.'

'You know what's really ironic? I used to want it, too. For a really long time. But what you said the last time I saw you changed that, and it's just so damned ironic that it happens when I stop wanting it to. It doesn't matter what you want. As far as I'm concerned, I'm in this alone.'

She gets up and steps around him, opening the door and extending her arm towards the exit.

'I don't need you this time. Not anymore.' He is so close to believing her, but the characteristic weakness in her voice doesn't allow him to. Her eyes, glossy and pained, prove to him she wasn't truthful.

'I don't care. I'm not leaving you again.' He stands, and looks at her, pleading with his eyes.

'Dan, don't make this harder than it should be. Please, just leave.'

'No.'

She shakes her head. 'Then, I guess, I'll be the one to go,' she announces, and walks out, running slightly towards the elevator. She doesn't even look back to see if he is following.

Serena runs out of the main doors of the hotel, and flinches at the loud noise of the hectic city. She is taken aback by it, but soon decides to move again, not wanting to give him time to get to her. She knows she would find it harder to leave him once more.

Her vision is partially clouded by the heavy flow of tears, and she has no idea where she's going, but she runs anyway, wrapping an arm around her middle. The first time she's shown any compassion towards the human growing inside of her. She realises that Dan being there, making her clarify it was _his_ baby, made her care for it. Love it. But she knew she couldn't let that happen. It would make things that much harder when her time was up.

She is much too caught up in everything to hear the honk of the car approaching her. It just suddenly darkens around her.

_**A/N:**__ Tension. I know, so much angst in this chapter, but, hey, you only have the GG writers to thank for that. There's only so much you can do with what happened in the season finale. I hope you like this, and __**review**__ to let me know what you think. Cheers! _


	4. Chapter 4

His breath is knocked out of his system when he sees the car hit her. His knees desperately want to give in and fall to the ground, and he feels a horrifying need to scream and cry out, but he forces himself to keep running towards her, help her... Even if he doesn't know what he'll do once he gets by her side.

The driver gets out of the car, starts justifying and explaining, but Dan can't hear a thing. He drops beside her, and picks her up, resting her back against his thighs. The first thing he does is touch his fingers to her neck, and he feels his heart stop as he waits for the beat of hers.

He counts. One... Two... Three... Nothing. He tries again. One... Two... Three... Four...

A faint thump reaches his skin, and he lets out a loud cry of relief. He wipes the hair from her face, and can't help stilling his hands from roaming over her features, her shoulders... Then they instantly drop to her stomach. They caress the rounded surface of it, and he doesn't have a clue what he's waiting for, but he hopes to feel..._something_.

And he feels nothing.

He's not sure when the ambulance arrives, but he doesn't fight the paramedics as they lift her off his lap and take her away.

He doesn't remember much from the trip to the hospital. He wants to hold her hand, but the woman holding her IV is restricting his access to her. He is obsessed with watching her chest, ensuring it's still moving, making sure it raises and falls, and he feels his breathing eventually tune to the rhythm of hers. It is kind of calming.

It all dissipates once they get to the hospital. Frantic is an understatement for the atmosphere around him. Everyone wears a white coat and they all speak over each other. He runs behind them down the hospital hallways, but finds it hard to keep up. The doctors and nurses shout out numbers, and Dan can swear he hears the word 'foetus' thrown around a couple of times.

_Baby. _His baby. He still can't believe it.

She is pushed through some double doors, and Dan's entry is blocked.

'We'll let you know how she's doing as soon as she's stable,' a nurse says briefly, following the rest of the emergency entourage.

He's exhausted, and his legs can't take anymore. He collapses in a large leather chair, and his head drops in his hands. He tries not to think, because he doesn't want to allow his brain to focus on anything other than her. He can't start blaming himself just yet.

-xoxo-

He gets up at every doctor that walks out of the double doors, but finds himself sitting down every time. They're not there for him. He glances at his phone; 18 missed calls. Most from Blair. He contemplates calling her, telling her where he is, where _she _is, but the first person he calls is Lily.

He cannot deal with the panicked way in which she reacts. He is very brief with his words, and his gaze never breaks from those damned doors, and just before he hangs up, he asks Lily to tell whoever she decides is relevant about this. Then he switches his phone off. No distractions.

'Are you here for Serena?' someone asks from behind him, jolting him to his feet.

'Yes, yeah, I'm here for her,' he mutters too quickly. 'I'm...uh...Dan Humphrey.'

'Family relation?' the woman asks, writing his name on her pad.

He swallows. This must have been the only time he was happy to be able to say this. 'Stepbrother. Not for long, though, our parents are splitting up...' He closes his eyes and bites on his cheek. 'Sorry, I tend to ramble when I'm nervous. How is she?'

The nurse doesn't smile at that. 'She is conscious, but asleep. The general anaesthetic took a lot out of her.'

He smiles, and almost laughs, and from the corner of his eye, he can read sympathy in the nurse's eyes. For a brief moment, he forgets about panic and pain, and the relief he's feeling is like a source of energy. The highest he's ever been.

He asks about the baby. And when the nurse doesn't answer, he can feel himself falling. And hitting every branch on the way down.

'Would you like to see Miss van der Woodsen?' he hears, and he nods, the lump in his throat too big to allow words to be uttered.

-xoxo-

Her room is so _small_ around him. So small. There is not enough room. And the air around him is too hot. He looks at the window. It's open. Why is it so damn hot?

He looks all over the room except for in her direction. He looks at the furniture and the walls, and he contemplates over the fact that this was one of the few occasions having money proved useful. She is in the best place she could be. Once they are alone, he allows his eyes to rest on her; and he can hear his heart break for her.

Her hair is messy, and knotted, and her left arm is covered in bruises and cuts. It all feels so surreal, like the worst nightmare he can't quite seem to wake up from. He digs his nails in his palms, but when he opens his eyes, he's still in a hospital room, at the foot of a bed where the most beautiful woman in his world lies. He glances over her blanket, and when he notices the way it still curves around her middle, he lets out a shaky breath. He walks over by her side, and touches it, just to ensure he wasn't wrong. He wasn't.

He feels like he should be happy. But he can't once she's not _there_ to make him so. He watches her sleep, and he experiences the coldest sense of fear he had ever experienced. He realises he could have lost their child, he could have lost _her_, and a life without her in it... wouldn't be his life anymore. He takes her hand in both of his, and he notices how hard they shake, as he brings them to his lips and kisses her knuckles. He wants to speak to her, although he knows she couldn't hear. He wants to hear her voice, selfishly assure himself she is there. But he has no idea what to say.

He apologizes a couple of times, his voice broken and weak, and he's grateful she can't hear him. He wouldn't want her to see him so pathetic.

He runs his fingers through her hair, smoothing her blond strands, framing them around her face. He stares at her, long and deep, and he honestly can't believe he _ignored_ her when she told him she loved him. Serena van der Woodsen, the girl of his dreams, the inspiration behind everything he's written, was chasing after _him_. And he had the ignorance and the stupidity to turn his back on it. Reject her. Since when did he become such an ungrateful idiot?

He notices a black, swollen bruise on her shoulder, and he touched the tips of his fingers over it, hoping to take her pain away. She stirs, her nose scrunching up, and he laughs softly to himself at how...cute...she looks.

She moans a little, and he hovers over her, fresh tears he doesn't notice falling down his cheeks once her eyes blink twice before opening.

'Dan?' she asks, her voice rough and groggy, and he can't quite help the smile creeping on his face.

'Hey, S. How are you feeling?' He touches his palm to her cheek. It honestly surprises him when her hand holds his tighter against her face.

'Tired. _Really_ tired. And hungry.' He laughs, and she doesn't understand why she smiles at the sound of it, but it just happens.

She runs her free hand down her body, and rests it on the tip of her stomach. 'It's still here. Good,' she states, and lets out a weak breath, watching him smile above her. She feels slight happiness...

And then she remembers she's angry at him, and he..._hates_...her, and she takes her hand away from his quicker than if it would have burnt her. Tears spring to her eyes, and she turns her head away from him, resting her cheek on the pillow.

'Serena...' He grips her chin with his thumb, and forces her gaze back on his.

He sits beside her when he notices she's crying.

'I don't know what got over me... For a moment, I forgot this morning, or last night, or whenever _it happened._ I'm so-'

'Don't you dare apologize.' He sighs and takes the hand nearest to him in between both of his. He feels her try to pull away. But he tightens his grip. He's not going to let her go. Not anymore.

'Dan, just because you're here, doesn't mean anything about me, about us, will change. What's done is done, and maybe it is better this way. All we ever do is hurt each other...'

'No, all we ever do is compromise, and I'm done with that! Serena, I won't ask for your forgiveness, because I know I have no right to. I have to _earn _it. But right now, inside of you, there is a human being growing, that is half yours, but also half _mine_. A baby that I came so close to losing; a baby I realised I don't want to lose. I don't want to know that my child is growing and living anywhere else but under my watch. By my side. I want this, Serena. I want to have this baby. The only thing I will ask of you is to not take this away from me. To give me the chance—'

'I can't have a baby with someone who _hates_ me, Dan; with someone who doesn't love me. I'm not strong enough to raise this child by myself...'

'None of that is true. And you know it. If you care about me even –'

Her eyes close tightly, but it seems like she can still see him and the harder she tightens, the clearer the image becomes.

'You can't say that to me. You _know_ how much I care. And you can't keep doing this. I've been alone so far, I'll be alone from now on.' Their gazes lock, and it hurts her to see him so...destroyed... 'If it's any consolation to you, Rick and Donna are really amazing people...'

-xoxo-

He paces outside her door for half an hour before a nurse comes to check on her. He's nervous for her, and he's nervous for their baby, and he's _angry_ about the fact that there seems to be nothing he can do about the fact that in five months he'll be the father of someone else's child.

'She's asking for you,' he hears, and the nurse has to say it again for the words to register fully in his confused brain. 'We're having an ultrasound,' she explains, and Dan shoots Serena a look that lacked understanding.

She glances away from him. 'I thought you deserve to be here for this.'

A surreal experience. Something so... perfect and beautiful and fragile. A miracle. The screen shows the perfect outline of a tiny, tiny, human being, with a head that is disproportionate to their body, and barely noticeable fingers and toes. In the deafening silence of the room, a loud thud echoes around them, followed by a quick another, and the nurse smiles. Serena's fingers brush lightly against the tips of his, and his gaze shoots directly at her. Her forehead is slightly creased in the middle, her nose is scrunched up, and her bottom lip quivers a little, so he is forward and strong for her, and holds her fingers tightly in his palm. He smiles down at her, even if the fact that he can see a drop of water make its way down her cheek makes him want to cry, too.

He tries to focus his attention back on the screen, but he can't help watching her from the corner of his eye, as she cries in silence.

'This right here is your baby. You are very lucky, Serena. The impact could have damaged it irreparably. But it's looking healthy and so well developed, I could tell you the gender, should you wish to know.'

When Dan looks at Serena again, eyes wide in surprise and a weird pain in his chest caused by a strong sense of anticipation, her face is turned away from the screen. Her eyes are shut tightly, her chest convulsing weakly with suppressed sobs. It became too much.

He looks at the nurse in a way that leaves little room for misunderstanding, and once the screen is off, the room as silent as before, and the nurse exits, he allows her to hide her face in his chest, and just cry.

_**A/N: **__So, this is another chapter, and I'm not sure everyone will like it. Next chapter coming up soon. Thanks for reading! xx_


	5. Chapter 5

She not only wakes up to the smell of the croissants and pastries from her favourite bakery in LA, but she wakes up to him, his face buried in a book. She always wakes up to him. As much as she'd wish otherwise, the fact that he's there, the fact that he hasn't left yet, makes her smile every time she thinks about it.

_He'd make a good dad. _

'Just because you bought me cinnamon swirls doesn't mean I forgive you, just like that,' she speaks, a faded smile playing on her lips, and a soft, gentle tone twined with her voice. It feels easier to be around him. And she hates the fact that she loves that.

His eyes don't stray away from the page. 'There's also pain-au-chocolat and croissants. Surely that counts for something,' he says, and she giggles softly to herself as she bites into one of them.

'What are you reading?'

'Something I bought at the gift shop downstairs. It's called '50 Shades of Grey'. It's a really popular read, and I can see why. It's basically classy porn, without the 'classy',' he explains, and she chokes on her croissant as she laughs.

'It's nice to know what sails your boat, Dan.'

The sound of her laughter subconsciously makes him smile, and he almost forgets her accident, and her pregnancy, and Blair, and leans over to take her hand into his. She stops chewing and looks at him, confused, and he tries really hard to not feel intimidated and let go. So he grips her fingers tighter.

'Are you ready for hurricane Lily? Her plane lands at midday, and I'm supposed to pick her up from LAX.'

She looks away as she smiles. 'I haven't got a problem with her coming here. She knows everything. It's _you_ that should be worried.' She raises her eyebrows suggestively.

'Let's pray she has an enjoyable first class flight, with lots of champagne.'

-xoxo-

Lily van der Woodsen is like... a beautiful hurricane. She is intense, superior, dominant, mesmerizing; the older, more experienced reflection of her daughter. The curve of her nose is the same as Serena's, and so is the colour of her hair, but inside Lily there is a kind of obscurity for which Serena is too... good. Serena was light where her mother was darkness, and in Dan's eyes, that is a blessing.

He doesn't dare to look in her eyes. This is where her dominant side comes in. He feels so small underneath her careful gaze, so guilty. Her luggage is handed to him, and it feels like the greatest privilege to carry it; getting on the good side of the mother of the girl whom he had gotten pregnant.

One sentence.

'Daniel, the next time you rent a car, make sure a chauffeur comes with it.'

They didn't speak after that.

-xoxo-

Serena is asleep when they arrive at the hospital, and the nurse forces them to wait outside. His knee bounces up and down uncontrollably, and from the corner of his eyes, he notices Serena's mother perched on the edge of her seat, knees slanted to one side, right foot over left, right hand over left in her lap, back straight, chin up. Elegance. Poise. Two more words to add to the list of words to describe her. Elegance that came with an elevated level of education and class.

Dan clears his voice. He feels like he should say something. And still, nothing dares to come out.

His throat dries. He tries again.

'So how did you hear about Rick and Donna?'

Lily smiles that smile that only the people close to her knew it wasn't the kindest she could have.

'Small talk is not exactly appropriate right now, is it, Daniel?' She doesn't look in his direction as he speaks.

He sighs. 'I'm sorry. I just... feel like I need to apologize to you, and I have no clue where to start.'

She turns to face him, and Dan suddenly feels like he wants to crawl into a shell and hide.

'You broke my daughter's heart. It's not me you should apologize to.'

He feels even more uncomfortable as before. 'I... I know that. My apology to you was regarding this situation.'

'This pregnancy wasn't a choice either of you made. Blair, on the other hand, _was_.'

Shame lowers his gaze.

'Look, Daniel, I've always had a fondness for you. You're always going to be dear to me, even if I've had quite a few strong urges to physically hurt you in the past few weeks.' There is a strange kindness in her voice, and a ghost of a smile on her lips, so his shoulders relax, and his eyebrows unknot.

'But you don't get to my age and not learn something about the people closest to you. My daughter hasn't been the same since that September afternoon when she went to a performance of Lincoln Hawk. I knew her before, and I've seen the changes ever since. She loved you. More than she loved anyone else in her life, even her own mother. To see her suffer because of it has been the hardest thing I, as her mother, could experience. And I'll try everything I can to prevent it from happening again.

But I've learned quite a bit about you, too, and so I know you will try to convince her to keep your child. You need to know what that entails, and that no less is acceptable. She won't keep it without you.'

His gaze meets hers, and for the first time that day, it feels kind of equal. 'I wouldn't want anything less.'

She smiles. Kindly. 'You better mean that.'

-xoxo-

When he enters her room, she is sitting on the edge of her bed, feet dangling on the side of it. Her head shoots towards the door, and Dan is by her side in less than a second, blocking her way.

'You better not be trying to get out of that bed. If I remember correctly, your left arm is still fractured.' He pushes her gently back into the mountain of pillows, ignoring her protests.

She complains about her hands. Insists they are cold, asks for a radiator, but he just gathers them in his and brings them to his lips, blowing hot air over them. His eyes close for the briefest of seconds, and when he opens them, hers pierce right through them. His breath is hot against her fingers one last time, and then he kisses her knuckles as if it was the most natural thing to do at that moment.

'Better?' She can only nod.

'So Lily is outside...' he starts, 'and she wasn't as angry with me as I thought she'd be. I didn't get any scratches,' he jokes, and she giggles slightly in the distance between them.

He rambles about planes, and flights, and how the pressure in the cabin can influence one's behaviour, and as she watches him speak about things she can't keep up with, a small smile creeps on her face.

This is the best time to tell him. It's the easiest time.

'Dan?' she interrupts and his gaze locks with hers again. 'I've been thinking about this for a while, and I spoke to Rick and Donna, and they think it's okay. I want the baby to be born in New York. I want to go back.'

She allows him to snake his arms carefully around her, and as she feels his lips caress her cheeks, a tear drops out of the corner of her left eye. She can at least give him this.


	6. Chapter 6

The first thing he sees as she walks around the corner of her penthouse is her significantly larger stomach, and it makes him smile.

'You're here,' she states once she sees him, a soft smile, a ghost of a smile he used to know, playing on her lips.

'Of course.' They walk in the living room, and she nestles in between pillows and packets of junk food. He sits by her feet and places them in his lap, naturally, completely and utterly not awkwardly at all. And he's been doing it for so long now, it doesn't even cause her to sneak an uncertain glance in his direction.

'It's manic outside. There are cameras and reporters everywhere...' he complains, as his thumbs rub over the soles of her feet.

'And this is before they even know what's going on. Once they find out I'm pregnant, they'll scale the building to get a picture of me and _this_,' she says, and a hand rests on the top of the curve of her belly.

He smiles. He steals a glance in her direction; her eyes closed, an unmoved hand, a content smile on her face. She looks bright, and happy, and carefree. She glows. And for the briefest moment, he ignores it all and just imagines what his world would have been like if this moment would have played out in a loft in Brooklyn, with quiet outside their windows, a half-ready nursery and the terrifying thought of a baby in less than a month.

But moments like that don't last, and he wakes up in the real world; a world which differs from what he wants simply by his own doing. A world where people make mistakes, where Blair Waldorf lives on one side of Manhattan, and a hopeful family on the other side of America. A world where he loves in vain, where it hurts to love, and it only hurts because it is blind and stubborn and easily confused. A world that is not intertwined to Serena's anymore. A world he wanted to change.

'Isn't it going to be hard?' he blurts, grasping her attention. 'Giving it up, I mean.'

Her eyebrows bend slightly. She swallows what feels like the biggest lump of emptiness and looks away. 'Honestly,' she starts, and her voice sounds like it would break at any time, but she is strong, stronger than she thought she'd be, so she can at least manage to remain neutral until alone.

'It will probably destroy me. But there are no other options for someone like...'

'You don't have to.' He interrupts, and her words are just halted even when she tries to force them out. 'No one is asking you to. No one wants you to, not even yourself.'

She suddenly breathes in a long, wet breath. 'Dan, please... Not this again,' she whispers, and touches the back of her hand to one of her eyes.

He kneels beside the couch, so that their eyes level. 'Serena, I have been so patient these past few months, waiting for you to change your mind. But here we are, three weeks before your due date, and nothing about you has changed. And I see you suffer, I see you rub your stomach, and I hear you talk to it, and, after you think I'm gone, I hear you cry yourself to sleep. And it is so damn frustrating to know that the only reason you're doing this to yourself is something that you know isn't true.'

'Dan...'

'Tell me, _honestly _tell me, that you believe I wouldn't be here for you. That I wouldn't love my child. That, after everything, I don't love you more than I ever have.'

'Stop talking...' she pleads, a fresh flow of tears running down her cheeks once her eyes close.

He attempts to hold her hand in between his, but she forcefully pulls away and tries to get up and away from him. 'You know I love you, Serena. It would be unfair of you to deny that...'

'Don't you dare talk to me about unfairness, Dan! This psychological manipulation thing that you're doing is not going to work on me again.'

She pushes away from the couch, and her legs shake underneath the pressure of her pregnant body, but once again, she is stronger than she anticipated, and there is a confidence about her that allows her to forcefully walk away from him.

He follows, soon by her side, tugging gently at her arm, and turning her to face him.

'I'm not trying to manipulate you, but I don't want to lose you, and I definitely don't want to lose my child.' His hand is still firm on hers, and his heat, mostly from anger, transfers to her. And it feels like summer love. Fresh tears fall at the sense of nostalgia caused by the differences of that time.

'This baby is not yours to lose anymore. And you might have still had me while you were sleeping with my best friend, but you sure lost me when you said all those lovely things to me after what happened between us. And you know what, Dan? I want to thank you for it. Because it is so much easier to hurt over someone you loved than someone you're in love with but can't have.'

Her words shock him, still him, paralyse him, and he doesn't even realise when she pulls her hand away and slams the door to her bedroom.

He stands where he is for a while, and tries to think it all through. Everything. But there is nothing he comes up with. He wishes he knew what to say, and there is a part of him that thinks he's said all the right things. But 'actions speak louder than words' is repeated over and over in the other side of his head. And once he puts it all together, once he makes a mental note of every decision he's made, beginning with Charlie and ending with 'I never have to see you again', he realises that, if the roles were to reverse, he couldn't have loved or forgiven himself either.

'I wish I knew what to say to make you forgive me,' he whispers after he marches into her room and sees her crying on her bed. 'But I don't. I have no clue, and nothing that pops into my head even sounds like a good start.' She sobs in her pillow, and he sits by her side, trying to keep his eyes dry and the heartbreaking sight of what he's done.

'I want you to tell me. Just tell me what you want me to say, and I promise you I will mean it with everything I am. Because, Serena, I am nothing without you.'

She looks up from her pillow, and the way her lip trembles makes his do the same.

'You won't believe me when I tell you I love you. Why do you not believe me?' he asks, his voice the weakest it's ever been. This moment, it's everything moments haven't been for him before. It's raw, and deep, and open, and he is so vulnerable to the power of the words she would utter, it is the scariest thing he's ever experienced.

She gathers herself, and wraps her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest. He holds her tightly to him, and she is closer to him than she's been in ages. But at the same time, she feels so far away, it seems like he just can't reach her anymore.

'Because I can't,' fills the silence.

And he just knows there's nothing else he can do.


	7. Chapter 7

He greets Vanya in the same way he's always done, and he takes the same elevator, the second one on the left, as he's done for as long as he's known her; everything seems like a routine that he's done on so many occasions before, and yet, to him, this time it's different.

He enters her apartment with dread, not anticipation, and his heart hurts as much as he expected it to at the sight of a very pregnant Serena. The woman who he thought could overcome anything; the woman he saw as invincible, powerful, independent. He took all of that away. He left her broken. And as much as he is angry with himself, there is a very small part of him that is angry with her, too. For letting him break her. That's the part he wishes he could change.

'You don't have to come here every day, Dan. I understand if it's too hard for you.' He tone is not understanding, and he wishes he could remind her who she was trying to fool. But it dawns on him that he has no right to expect her to know who he was anymore.

'You don't give up on the people you love just because things get hard,' he mutters, knowing she's hearing him. 'I learnt that from the best.' He glances in her direction, and even though her eyes are so obviously trying to avoid his, he hopes they would meet even for a brief second.

But it doesn't happen, and sooner than he'd want, he needs to move on.

'I brought you some prenatal vitamins. The doctor from LA avidly recommended them for the last week of pregnancy.' He pops one in the palm of his hand, and, together with a glass of water, hands them to her. 'How's your head?'

'Fine.'

'Breathing? Pulse? You're not having any contractions?'

'Dan, I'm fine...' she assures him, and, without realising or wanting to, she smiles gently under his careful watch.

'What?' he asks, in a way that she used to love, _she still did_, and sat by her feet on the sofa.

'Nothing... I'm just... grateful... that you're here. As much as I said I could, I wouldn't have wanted to do this alone.'

He gaze is still just that bit astray from his, enough to avoid them from fully joining, and Dan knew it was something she did when trying to escape, avoid, believe a mistaken version of a truth.

'I know. That's why I wouldn't leave even when you begged me to.'

There is an awkward silence around them, and Dan wishes he could find that powerful, life and mind changing sentence to start... something... off. And there is just nothing good enough.

Her voice interrupts him. 'Sometimes...' she starts, but finds herself too out in the open, too vulnerable, so she hides back in her shell and doesn't continue.

Dan knows her too well to not notice that, so he edges forward towards her, and rests his hand on the calf closest to him. 'Tell me, Serena. Talk to me,' he encourages. And it's more comforting than she'd ever let him know.

'I don't want to make things harder for either of us than they already are...'

'They can't get any harder than this, trust me,' he jokes, and laughs gently at the end, placing a smile on her tired lips. A smile that soon catches on; he wanted her to always smile. That's when she was the most beautiful he'd ever seen her.

'It's just that sometimes...' she starts, and he just waits, knowing that when she feels comfortable enough around him, the words will come out. 'I wish things were different.' She pins a strand of dry, blonde hair around her ear, and fixates her eyes on the piece of art behind his head.

'I don't know... I... This was not how I wanted this to happen. I know for you it must have been different, and I don't blame you, even if it hurt me, no matter how much I tried to convince people it didn't. But I just wanted us to work first. I used to want to have a baby with you out of... love, I wanted you to feel for me what I felt for you. And all you felt for me when and after this baby was conceived was pity, and hatred, and disgust. And I wish I could have found it in myself to settle for just that. Because I can tell you, Dan, I know you think I am cold and a terrible person, but giving up this child is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.'

It feels like a vicious cycle. To the both of them. He knows she is slightly hormonal, and she knows it too, but there still is an aura of truth and sadness around this topic every time it would be brought up out of the blue.

He looks at her as she sits before him, silent and slightly shaking as she tries to suppress tears, and he places a palm flat against her cheek. He wants to take all her pain and sorrow away with that one touch, heal her, love her, show her how much he cared with that single moment, but he is aware that a single gesture is clearly not enough to make up for it all.

Tears flow silently down her cheeks, and he runs his thumbs over the surface of her skin, wiping them away, watching her as she tries to compose herself before him. Wishing she didn't have to.

'I know I don't need to remind you that the only thing keeping you from keeping our child is yourself,' he mutters in the softest tone he can manage, and she lets out a tiny sob.

'Don't say that,' she whispers in between short, wet breaths. 'Don't call it 'ours'.'

'It is, Serena. It is ours. It is until we sign those adoption papers, and it can be ours for a lot longer than that. It's completely up to you.'

'Don't make me look like a heartless person who doesn't care! I care, Dan, and I'm doing this because I care! A child needs more than I could give it, more than _we_ could give it! The one that raises a baby is its parent, not the one that helped make it. And I wouldn't want to raise my baby like my mother raised Eric and I.'

'Then give me the chance to be a parent.'

'A parent means a family. And a family means love. And this is where we fail.'

The only response he has to her words, the only thing he can say without showing her just how much they hurt him, just how deep they cut, is 'If there is one thing I can swear by, Serena, it's that I love you. I wish you believed that before it was too late. I love you so much, and this is the most honest, pure and real thing I have ever said to and will ever say to anyone.'

She's close to crumbling before him, so he circles his arms around her, and holds her as she cries gently against him, ignoring the way his own tears disappeared as they fell off his cheeks and in between strands of her hair.

-xoxo-

Gentle impulses of pressure are applied to his shoulder, and he experiences the most surreal feeling of his life. Her forehead is glittery with sweat, and her palms shake slightly as they rest on his forearm, waiting for his eyes to fully open and his consciousness to be completely regained.

'Serena,' he mutters and sits up. He catches the wall clock with the corner of his eye; 2:54am. They managed to fall asleep, and he is slightly angry with himself for not moving her in her bedroom so she could have put her feet up, but then worry catches up with him, and he completely forgets about her feet.

He touches her forehead frantically, checking for signs of fever, and takes her hands in one of his, trying to still them.

'Serena, are you okay?'

Her voice is calmer and stronger than he expected it to be, and that is oddly comforting for him.

'I need you to take me to the hospital. It's time.'

_**A/N:**__ Okay, here we go. Another chapter. I know some people won't like where this is going (wink wink Chia), but sometimes things just don't go the way they're meant to. I just hope you'll keep reading... I have I think maybe a chapter or two left... REVIEW Thanks _


	8. Chapter 8

There aren't many occasions in life when one can say that they are experiencing a moment unparalleled by others. But Dan feels that this is one of them. There isn't much thinking or pondering going on; things were happening fast and real, and it's as if there's someone else controlling him, someone telling him what to do.

Her hand and forehead are so clammy, and she winces with pain as the doctors get ready around her, and the only thing he finds himself good at doing is gripping her hand tightly and supporting her back as she starts pushing. He doesn't want to leave her side, miss the birth of what could well have been his only child, even if only for a few minutes, but at the same time he wants to run out of the room, forget the screams and the cries.

And then everything is interrupted by the loud cry of a baby, and it is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard. Serena collapses in the pillows, and he moves the damp hair from her forehead, pinning it behind her ears, so she could see what seems like a miracle happen.

'Congratulations, Serena, Dan. It's a girl.'

-xoxo-

He holds the baby in his arms for the first time, and although he could swear that he didn't know how to do it, everything just felt so... natural. The way her tiny spine curves against his arm, and her head fits perfectly in the crease of it. The first thing he thinks of doing is dropping his head and gently, delicately placing his lips over her forehead. She smells so perfect.

He slowly walks by Serena's bed, and places the newborn in her arms, tucking the pink blanket around her. The blonde looks up at him, eyes glossed over and lips shaking slightly in a beautiful smile, and it doesn't feel like he thinks about it at all before he holds her face in his hands and catches her bottom lip in between his, holding it for a moment longer, moving his mouth over her cheek, and nose, and eyelid. He feels her lean into his touch, and he pretends to live in another world, a different universe, under different circumstances. It is so much easier, so much better; he wished he could die pretending.

He leans his forehead against hers, and wipes tears off her cheeks as she looks down at the almost-asleep baby in her arms.

'Hey. Don't cry. We've done well. She is... perfect.'

And just like that, his world comes crashing down around him, destroying the walls he attempted to build. The fort he wanted to hide in. He tried to live a moment that he didn't deserve, the beginning of a life he wouldn't live, and pretence is always punished. And at that moment, he honestly feels his punishment covered every single mistake he had ever done in his life. Because he finds himself being escorted out of the room as a nurse walks in with Rick, Donna, and a thick brown envelope. And once the door shuts behind him, he becomes an empty man.

-xoxo-

He splashes his face with cold water and looks in a mirror in one of the toilets of the hospital. His reflection shows him the familiar face of a man he used to know, but there is a certain glint in his eyes that Dan cannot recognize. As he tries to make sense of the man he has become, he starts to understand that he was wrong in expecting people to know who he was, expecting _her_ to believe the man he had become, if he doesn't know who that man is in the first place. And while he wants to declare working on himself as his priority, he decides working on _them_ was more important.

He knows that somehow, someday, they would get over every challenge their destiny threw at them. This is just one of them.

He walks down the hospital corridors, and hovers outside her door. Her reason for needing him was gone; it was now his turn to step up his game and start being even close to worthy of her forgiveness and trust.

She is crying in her hands as he enters her room, and his rehearsed phrases and words of apology erase instantly from his brain, his mind solely focusing on the blonde with the broken heart. Sometimes he thinks how long it would be until it breaks beyond repair.

Dan presses her tightly against his chest, hiding his face in her hair, and she responds almost instantly, knotting her fingers with the shirt around his lower back. He is more than happy to just be there with her, be there _for_ her, but he knows there are things to be discussed and concepts to be touched on, and he is a hundred percent certain that they won't end with a goodbye. He knows she needs time to adjust, to understand, to move on, and he wants to give her all the time she would ever imagine. But at the same time, there is something at the back of his mind, rushing him. _She's slipping with every second. _She was, indeed, slippery to hold on to, but he wouldn't allow himself to lose her again. Never again.

She brings him back to a harsh reality as she almost chokes on a sob, and he hands her a glass of water, his hands over hers as she lifts it to her lips. Her eyes are closed before him and the feeling of her hands in his is enough to give her a little comfort. A little confidence. To tell him...

'So she's really gone, huh?' he asks, rubbing his thumbs over her knuckles. As if it was 2007 again.

'Dan?' she whispers.

'Yeah.'

'I couldn't.' Her voice breaks at the end again, and his eyes shoot to hers so quickly, his brain precepts it only moments later.

'What?' He moves closer to her, grasping the tip of her chin, and angling her face gently further towards him.

'I didn't.'

At that single moment, he honestly believes the knowledge of words that he has as a writer is not enough to allow him to describe the surreal feeling. A strange experience. Happiness pained by anticipation. Love stained by pride. He hasn't been thinking about his actions for the past few hours, so he doesn't as he lets out a laugh of relief and wraps his fingers delicately around her face, the tips of them disappearing in a sea of sun and light.

'You kept her?' He feels the need to double check. Otherwise the fall to reality is close to resembling that of a mile long fall against the hardest concrete possible.

She nods, and his heart swells in an instant.

'Then why are you crying?' he asks with a tone of laughter in his voice, and his thumbs move across the apples of her cheeks, removing the hard proof.

'Because I wasn't strong enough to give up. On you and me. I was selfish enough to leave an expecting family without a child, and I feel... terrible.' She almost whimpered at the end, and a thumb lingers on her lips as he tries to stop her, but he knows she's not finished.

'I wanted to punish you, to hurt you, I wanted you to know what it felt like to lose the one you love and care most about. To know what it's like to have to live without them...'

'I learnt that the second I realised I lost you,' he whispers in the space between them, but she is still distant, and agitated, and he rummages his head to find something to say to show her... everything... he felt at that moment. To make her understand how all of it was based on her.

'I couldn't give our daughter up because she's half yours and half mine, and I had no idea I could love another human so deeply so quickly. I couldn't because I knew that the second she'd be gone, there'd be nothing to keep you beside me, and I know it's selfish and pathetic, but I'm not strong enough to deal with that again, even if I say I don't love you or need you, and you made me that way!' She gesticulates harshly around her as she speaks, so he captures both of her wrists in one hand, while his other one cups her cheeks, bringing her close to him as water streams between his knuckles.

'I'm sorry for hurting you, and causing you so much distress and misery, and I am prepared to work a lifetime to make it all up to you. But I promise you, Serena, baby or no baby, I would have stayed right here, by your side, trying my hardest to make you as happy as you deserve to be. I'm here, S. I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere.'

She trembles underneath his touch, and a hand of hers breaks free from his grip moving slowly, uncertainly to the back of his head, knotting in his curls.

'I want to believe that. I need you to make me believe that.'

'I'm working on it.'

'Please don't make me regret this. Trusting you, allowing myself to feel... everything again. I don't want to ruin this again,' she whispers.

'We won't. I love you, Serena.'

His lips brush gently over hers, and he feels her tears sprawl against his cheeks, but he can also feel her respond to him; the familiar tension in her touch, and the light and feathery nature of her kiss.

He doesn't push for any more. All he needed to say was spoken through their faultless connection. She is exhausted, and he can see that, so he pushes her in her pillows, allowing his mouth to touch to her forehead.

'Dan?' she speaks, and he lowers to her level, grasping her gaze in his. 'Can I see her again?'

-xoxo-

He returns almost instantly, cradling a bundle of pink fleece and tiny fingers and toes in his arms, and she stretches her arms out, her eyes focusing on her perfect face as she holds her. She was so beautiful.

She couldn't have given her away. She was naive for ever thinking that she had to.

Dan holds a tiny hand in both of his, and the soft smell of freesias and vanilla, _that_ specific baby smell, is the most enchanting he had ever encountered. He flicks her wristband with his fingers, and something catches his eye.

'Baby girl _Humphrey_?' he asks softly, guiltily. Nothing he had done in the past year would have been even close to worthy of everything he was getting.

'Once Rick and Donna left, the nurse needed a name... I wanted to choose one with you.'

He smiles and kisses the tiny hand. 'That's not what I meant. Are you sure you want her to be a Humphrey? Van der Woodsens get the better schools,' he jokes.

'She's _ours. _She's a Humphrey.'

He leans over and kisses her cheek languorously, and rests his cheek against hers, whispering 'I hope you'll become a Humphrey one day, too,' in her ear.

She smiles gently, and runs a hand through his hair.

'So do I.'

_**A/N: **__Okay, so I know this seems like it's happening a bit too fast, but I know that if I put the end of this story off a lot longer, then it'll become boring, badly written (as I'll be bored and suffering from writer's block), and I'll ruin it. So here we are. The chapter before last. Does this make up for all the crap from the other chapters, Chia? THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS READ AND REVIEWED THIS. You guys are what made me want to write more. Love you all! _


	9. Chapter 9

Dan places the sofa pillows back to the way they normally were, and neatly folds his duvet and places it on the side. The same thing he's been doing every morning for the past three weeks.

He stiffens as Serena enters his living room, a loose pyjama around her body and blond hair messy and golden and pulled to the side in a wild pony tail, and to Dan, she is still the most beautiful woman he has ever known. He greets her as he does every morning; he kisses her. His lips linger over her cheek, and he feels her smile softly under his touch, so he smiles against her skin as her arms gently wrap around his waist. A full hug; the ones teenagers dream about and become experts at giving, the ones that love and comfort and care silently but effectively. She was never one for meaningless hugs.

'Hi,' she whispers in his chest, and his hands smooth her hair as she pushes away from him slightly.

'Hi.' He grins, and her head leans to one side as she laughs slightly.

They're taking it slow, even if it feels like they've waited their entire lives for this stage. It means that they can wait a bit longer to make it perfect. Right.

She is broken, and tired, and weak, but kind of so is he. Slow is good for both of them.

-xoxo-

'S. You're paler than those horrible pyjamas you're wearing. Get out of this loft, only for a couple of hours. Flaunt your yummy mommy body, while you still have it. I can watch Sophia,' Blair instructs when she visits one day, and she is so insistent, Serena and Dan practically find themselves being dressed and kicked out by the brunette.

Neither of them yearns for the madness in Manhattan, and there is a soft crispiness about the air around them, so Dan holds her hand in his and they walk, intertwined fingers between them.

They stand underneath the Brooklyn bridge, their eyes resting over the skyline and the thick layer of ice on a river that never stops.

Serena leans her head on his shoulder. 'It feels like Christmas,' she mutters.

He laughs and kisses her hair. 'The cold, the quiet, the smell... It's like Christmas Eve, when you walk out of your house and it feels like you're under observation because it's so silent and peaceful and empty, and you know that everyone else is at home, with their families, preparing to celebrate Christmas the next day. And it's not even close to late, but it's still dark outside and snow falls like heavy drizzle around you and it all feels so... magical. It's one of the best feelings in the world.'

They're quiet for a minute, and she breathes everything in. Crispy and fragrant, it smells like her teenage years.

'Let's pretend,' he whispers, and she pushes away from his embrace, her hand resting thoughtlessly on his snugly covered chest.

'What?' she asks, eyes big and blue and weaker than they could be, but stronger than before.

'Let's pretend,' he repeats, a gentle smile playing with the corners of his lips. 'For a couple of minutes. Let's just pretend it's Christmas Eve. You didn't get a proper Christmas a couple of months ago.'

She laughs softly and snuggles back into his side, his arm tight around his shoulders, and her wrapped around his waist. 'Okay, let's. What would you like for Christmas, then?' she jokes, allowing her eyes to rest back on the city miles away from them. For a minute, the river seems like a barrier, like a separation from the city where so much drama existed at its best, and Brooklyn, their little haven of... them. Just them. It's always felt like a peaceful escape to her, the best place to heal. Not just herself; but themselves.

'You back.' His voice brings her back from her thoughts, and she brings quickly a few times, before lifting her chin and locking her gaze with his. 'I don't want us to go back to what we were. We've both changed and so much has happened; I want us to be better, more. I know we can. And it doesn't have to happen right now, but I hope one day it will.

I know I love you, Serena. And I'm prepared to do my large part for this relationship, work the hardest at it because I have the most to make up for, _because _I love you. I want an 'us' again.'

Tears pool at the bottom of her eyes, and she can't see him very well, but she can hear him, and everything he feels behind his soft words. She moves in front of him, her hands gripping onto the collar of his coat, and she can _feel_ him, too, the heat of his body radiating overwhelmingly to her. She smiles as he places his hands carefully on her waist, as wary as he feels like he should be at that moment. That testing moment.

'There's always been some version of 'us'. Always,' she declares and for the first time in weeks, for the first time in longer than she wants to think about, she lifts her chin just so slightly, slowly, high enough for him to bend his head gently and touch his lips to hers. Her arms knot around his neck in no time.

-xoxo-

She walks around the nursery, a dim light in one corner of the room, and her baby girl on her chest, and she sings gently in the quiet of the night, trying to get her to sleep. Her feet make no noise against the floor, and the peaceful rhythm of the little human being's breathing is peaceful and perfect against hers. She smells... like a wonderful summer day and a lazy afternoon on the beach, and Serena presses a tender kiss to her small head, the thin strands of her soft hair brushing against her skin.

Serena places Sophia in her crib, and covers her with a blanket, leaving the door just slightly open as she walks in the living room. She sees him fight with a duvet cover, and giggles gently as she leans against the wall.

'Don't laugh. It's harder than it looks.' He flashes her a beautiful smile, and her heart increases in speed for a second. Sometimes she contemplates over the fact that she is too old to still react like this over a boy, but he's not just _any_ boy. He's the exception to all of her rules.

'I think you should sleep in your own bed tonight,' she mutters, and Dan's head shoots up, his eyes finding hers almost instantly. Her hands extend before her, and in two strides, he knots his fingers with hers, lifting her knuckles to his lips.

Her back curves perfectly against his chest, and their legs intertwine, and his hands are flat on her stomach and her hands are flat on his. And it's like she's seventeen and they lie on a beach towel with sand in their toes, sun in their hair and summer in their blood. Intoxicated by each other. It's like she's in love again, but she knows she's kind of always been in love. With him.

-xoxo-

The sun is bright and beautiful in the middle of the sky, and there is a faint sound of murmurs and butterflies and love around her. It's a magical moment; almost surreal, and she's had her fair share of these moments. It's perfect.

There are delicate garlands of small, round red and white flowers hanging from the wooden framework, and the faded smell of the sea makes everything seem exotic, special, unique. Her hair is free around her shoulders, a refined headband of tiny flowers wound between strands of blonde. Her dress is long and flowing and it trails just slightly behind her, and she wears sandals, her feet flat against the ground. The most grounded she's ever been. The most real. This is it.

Chuck links his arm with hers, and she holds tightly to a bunch of wild lilies. Beautiful and free and precious. Dan's idea of her. She hears music start and people stand and from the corner of her eye she sees her daughter and her elegant red dress and a rain of white petals following her, as she runs down the long, straight, narrow bamboo raft. There is wind in her hair, and childhood in her eyes, and she reminds Serena a little of herself.

Her stepbrother kisses her cheek and ceremoniously places her hand in Dan's, and she can hear Lily's soft sobs somewhere to her left. He says 'I do', and looks in her eyes in _that_ way, that 2007, brown stripy sheets, fire hazard kind of way, and she says it, too. And her life is complete.

_**A/N:**__ The sad moment when I finish a story. I want to thank everyone who has reviewed this, you guys have been incredible with your nice, encouraging words. I hope this last chapter doesn't disappoint, and that you tell me whether you liked it or not in the last __**reviews**__. I want to mention Chiara, Beez, Shu and the rest of our wonderful DS family, who have made up the well oiled machine that has helped me write this story. This is for you guys. ENJOY AND REVIEW. Love you all :') 3_


End file.
